Is it 2016 yet?

Ever since Carter was born, the holidays have given me anxiety.

You see, I have a very large family. My parents are divorced and have both been remarried for a long time. In case you can’t count, that is 4 families. Four sets of parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. And that’s not even counting Dan’s family.

And once you have a child, everyone wants to see you. And it’s stressful. Whose house do we go to when? What am I supposed to bring where? What about nap? He needs a nap or he’s a pain in the ass. I’ve always felt a sense of guilt if we didn’t make it to every gathering.

Every year, Dan and I tell each other, “next year we’re only going to one place”, or better yet, “next year we’re staying home and they can come to us!” Then next year rolls around and here we are packing the car for a 3-stop day.

Last Thanksgiving we made good on our promise though. We stayed home. We invited over Dan’s mom and my mom and stepdad. (My dad and stepmom were out of town visiting my sister and her family.) But you see, I have this problem of entertaining people when they come over. I like to cook. So even though everyone offered to make and bring over all the food, I ended up making a turkey and all the fixings. All while 2 months pregnant with “morning” sickness which lasted well into the evening.

It doesn’t help that Carter’s birthday is 4 days before Christmas. So we throw a birthday party in the chaos as well.

Last week at my support group meeting, a few couples said they were going out of town for Thanksgiving. Damn, what a good idea! Why didn’t I think of that?! So the next day I googled “how crowded is Disney World Thanksgiving week”. Seriously, I did. And I searched for hotels and flights and had an imaginary mini-vacation all planned. Only I didn’t even tell Dan. I still haven’t told him. (I guess this will be a test to tell if he actually reads this blog.) It wouldn’t have worked anyway with our work schedules. But damn, it was a good idea. Just too late.

As you can probably imagine, unless you are a fellow loss mom in which case you know exactly what I’m saying, the holidays this year are going to blow. Last Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas I was pregnant with Lily. I shared with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins that Carter was going to be a big brother. I made him pose for pictures in front of the Christmas tree wearing a big brother shirt holding ultrasound pictures and a chalkboard saying he was being promoted. The amount of joy in our lives was extraordinary.

Holidays were stressful in my old life, but in this new one it’s even worse. After Thanksgiving last year, I bought a cute little Thanksgiving baby outfit on clearance. It was my first baby #2 purchase and it was gender neutral, since we didn’t know at the time if we were having a boy or a girl. We ended up having a girl and she would be almost 6 months old this Thanksgiving.  And that turkey outfit hangs in a closet in a partly completed baby nursey. And the baby that was supposed to wear it isn’t here.

Thanksgiving is next week and I don’t know what we’re doing. I would do anything to be dragging my TWO kids to 3 destinations. I have an amazingly supportive family and I’m sure if Dan and I decide to stay home and wallow in our own pity, they would understand. Cause right now I’m not exactly feeling the holiday spirit.